Lost Sleep

I had the infamous "Callback" this week.  Many friends with breast cancer have been down this path but for me it was the first: " Hi, this is Dr. Smith's office, we received the results of your ( fill in the blank) chest xray and he would like to see you, Please call back to setup an appointment."

My call came on the answering machine, leaving me a whole night to ruminate over the last 5 years.  Chest xray I said...shit, I haven't had an xray since March when we got back from China and the verbal analysis was good.  I actually went in for the xray because during our trip I got sick and was coughing incessantly.  Took the antibiotics but the cough lasted, and that was followed by some serious pain on the left side.

My mind went into overdrive wondering what it could be, and knowing that freaking out was not going to help.  When I called in the morning all they would tell me is that the Dr. would like to see you, but not to panic.  TOO LATE!  I have learned long ago that it is not whether or not you are going to panic, you will, it is how you are going to manage the panic.

For me it has been about doors.  I create a mental image of a long line of doors and I tell myself that I can only go through 1 door at a time.  When my mind flies to the last, most horrific prospect, I really do try to bring it back to door one.  Don't get me wrong you spend a lot of time thinking, but dealing with one door at a time is the way that has worked for me.

I thought about my friends who have had breast exams only to be subjected to the Callback.  I know the angst they felt and I know that usually it was not great news.  Frankly the mental challenge has been hard enough over the years during that interminable period between testing and results, but we have managed, not always unscathed but we have managed.

And so I waited, sitting mentally in front of the door waiting for it to open and for me to deal with whatever is on the other side, its like a twisted reality game show.

The Door opened and after 2 months of waiting and 1 weak of angst they confirmed that I had "broken a rib".  What????  Who the hell cares???? That was 2 months ago!  Are you kidding me?  Well folks, I tapdanced through that door.  After an emotional release (good cry) in the car from the week long anxiety I then shut this door firmly behind me.

I mentally locked all the remaining doors until August.  I am going to Lini's wedding and nothing is going to stop me. I realize that my emotions from this whole week were about the possibility of me not being able to attend, and for me that would be a trainwreck.

So today I ride, the goal is 40 kms and tomorrow will be the Tour De L'isle (55kms).  

I am riding to feel free, to feel alive, and to look at those line of doors behind me and not in front of me for a change!  And to Lenore, get ready we are really going to party!!!!

Feel free to pass my blog along to anyone you know who may enjoy my journey.  Remember you can ask your friends to donate to my ride at www.tourdelance.ca , pick riders, and then pick my name.  Thanks.