The Ride's Not Over

I have made the decision to keep this blog up and writing...because the truth is for me the Yellow Jersey is a metaphor of crossing the finish line. Not sure if it mean the finish line of life or any project we have, but truly it is about giving your all in the meantime. The last year has been another rollercoaster.

Somewhere along the way I made a decision to try to figure out how to live with cancer, as opposed to living my life waiting to die from cancer. The distinction is huge and really it was about trying to find a way to have cancer come 2nd.

That included a decision to monitor a 1.8 cm growth and continue with my plan to celebrate my 50th in Antarctica. Doctors reassured me that I was not putting my life in jeopardy and for once, I could live and have the cancer wait. Huge relief...I was getting the upper hand for a change....or so I thought.

My return in February showed that the tumour was now 2.4 cms through MRI and so the process began to figure out what it was and proceed with the necessary arrangements for removal. The tumour this time was firmly planted on my pancreas....but it was not pancreatic cancer. The doctor was quick to make the distinction as it seems that the pancreatic cancer diagnosis sends a chill up everyone's back and leads to deafening silence.

I was truly up for the challenge until out of the blue the new surgeon recommended a brain scan to make sure that the cancer had not spread any further.

Although I was ready for the battle at hand I had in no way anticipated that the rules would somehow change without prior notice. I know it sounds crazy, as if cancer plays by some standardized rules, but where the hell did the brain come from? How did it become an issue all of a sudden?

I couldn't take any more surprises so I requested a full body scan to make sure that another tumour wasn't lurking somewhere only to be detected in 3 months.

The ULTIMATE good news bad news scenario. The CT Scan found nothing else except the existing tumour we were working on...YAY....BUT somehow in this imaging it wasn't 2.4 cms anymore it was 4.6 and growing rapidly....WTF.

My head was spinning, yet again it was if cancer was laughing in my face. Just when I thought I had found a way to live with it, reality came home. In the interim we lost Bev to lung cancer.

Bev Levitt was a ray of sunshine. She was diagnosed with lung cancer precisely at the same time as my last kidney surgery which was November 2008. I completely didn't see her death coming. I wanted her to survive so badly....no lets be honest...I needed her to survive. I wanted the pact we made with Terry last July, to outlive the cancer , to be unbreakable.

Even then we knew it was back but Bev looked strong and with Mark at her side we all seemed invincible (cancer laughs again).

Bev's unveiling was on May 9th, Mother's Day, and 2 days later they wheeled me in for my surgery. My emotions were raw...the 5th surgery in 6 years. You know you are in the hospital too often when you end up with the same nurse from 1.5 years ago and they remember you , and it only makes it worse that I was in a completely different hospital. Will this be my road to infamy? Jim not only remembered me but the details of my previous surgery....Oy Vey....We have to find a different way to meet.

The rest is mechanics and I am home recovering very nicely....never as quickly as we would like but surrounded with love and good friends.

This latest round brings me back to the fight for a proper Psycho Social Oncology program at the MUHC. I realize that this battle needs to be waged and I am not prepared to give up. To those who are ready to join me in this battle your help and support are more than welcome. Knitting needles in hand I start to create the safety net to which I believe every cancer patient and their family is entitled. So bring your needles and join me....my next posting will be about the vision for the future. Like I said for me the Ride's not Over.

Views from the top of the Hill

After 4 months of training, spilling my sweat on the roads, and my guts on the blog, the weekend went by in a flash. Emotional high, somewhat exhausted and yet replenished...odd how that works.

You couldn't have asked for better weather. Earlier in the week they called for rain so naturally I went out and bought rain gear...a sure sign that it wouldn't. Fern and I rode up talking about the recent months, and I actually got him to agree to pursuing riding next year on a moderate level.

We checked into the Westin to begin this last leg of the adventure.

Cocktails at Quintessence allowed us the opportunity to finally meet the other riders, to exchange hugs, smiles and stories. I also connected with my posse, the "Less than Elite" Riding Group.Luisa, Catherine and I became a formidable block of average riders committed to the max. Catherine is Sarah Cook's aunt and was back for her 2nd year of riding. Sarah was recently diagnosed with a recurrence of her cancer at the young age of 17. Our thoughts are with her and Catherine's persistence at this difficult time was heartwarming. The true devotion of an aunt.

Fern and I attended the dinner and thanks to all of my team we were among the top 5 fundraisers, which placed us at the table with Lance. As I have mentioned before I am more of the Livestrong Lance fan than as a cycling phenom. I truly do appreciate his decision to walk through the public door with his cancer and to undertake this huge global vision for the disease. We are often encouraged to think outside the box but he has collected a huge array of creative thinkers around him that have a vision for cancer that is truly inspiring.

Lets just say my pre-ride sleep was not completely relaxed. The little man in the my brain kept running back and forth screaming.." It's not too late"..."Don't do it"..."What were you thinking".

Relax I told myself, you've got Luisa and Catherine...life is good.

The morning of the ride went quickly with Media interviews ( all in French) and the pre ride tension. More hugs all around, the presentation of the Yellow Jersey - Dr. David Fleiszer who raised $82,000 and we were off.

There was an amazing surge of energy when we took off and when I realized that we were riding at 33kms/hr. Hmmmm...not sure I can keep this up. Do your best...just do your best.

Lets just say, that the region is hilly and Lance rides quickly....okay downright fast. For someone who trained at 27 kms/hr realizing that the peloton was at 40k/hr was initially overwhelming. Finding comfort in my posse we soldiered on at our own rhythm in our own way. It was great to see the people on the sides of the road waving us on and ringing the cowbells to encourage our efforts.

We broke once at 50kms for a group picture and the peloton continued on the return. Arriving in Huberdeau we were welcomed by a large group of people and it was great to see Fern and Marlene on the sidelines cheering me on. The home stretch seems to go quicker since you are counting down towards the end...pedalling faster to get back.

Let's just say I wasn't at the front of the peloton. Luisa and I made our own way back probably 30 minutes behind the leaders, happy, and relieved to have completed the journey.

With a little bit of hindsight here is what I realize:

1. I am not a speed freak..I am just as happy cycling at 27 kms/hr as I was at 34kms/hr..maybe even more.

2. Everyone has a story...we need to listen

3. Cancer needs to be a global concern..Lance has it right.

4. Terry Diab gives great hugs and is a champion in all ways

5. Caroline Rhea is a mensch and funnier than you can imagine.

6. The feeling comes back eventually but it can take up to 48 hours.

7. There are flat parts to Quebec and you can ride there too.

8. Bad/Sad things are going to happen without any effort on our part...It is up to us to create Joyful moments...they don't seem to happen spontaneously..you have to make them happen.

9. Now that I've cycled with the best...time to look onto a new challenge...hmmmm maybe Swimming with Michael Phelps...I think I can beat him.

10. You can never say Thank You enough. I could never have undertaken this insanity without your support. From Andrea shopping the bike, Marlene and Sandy taking me on training rides, my lunches with Simon, Fern telling me I could, the countless emails and words of support from you, my friends and family, each and every step has been as part of a team. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You...

Stay tuned the blog will continue as we prepare for 10*10*10....in the meantime I better go get a Speedo...Michael are you listening?????

Thank You..you made it happen.

The Letter

To my indefatigable foe,

I know that most letters begin with Dear, but you can understand that in this circumstance I truly don't share those feelings. For nearly 6 years you have played much too large a role in my life. Yes the first surgery scared the hell out of me, but after that I was confident that the worst was behind me. You truly sent me reeling when you reared your ugly head only 9 months later. That was truly the turning point, nothing is more chilling than hearing the word metastasism.

Somehow over the years I learned to live and even more joke about my increasingly scarred body.

I learned to endure the looks of despair and pain in the eyes of my parents, family and friends, and together we found comfort in our tears. Thanks to you I joined a community of amazing people soldiering through diverse yet similar experiences, and formed bonds of friendship and camaraderie.

In the last few months I realized that despite my seeming optimism you did manage to shake my resolve. You made me question my future, my ability to dream, to make plans.

Will I celebrate 50? Can we even discuss retirement? Will I dance at Edan's wedding, Lenore's, Sivan's? Do I still have the courage, the guts to undertake another challenge?

Last May with the scars still fresh and the pain too real a rumour surfaced in town that you had won. Yes, through the grapevine, I heard that it was said that I wouldn't ride this year because my health was failing....things weren't going well.

How dare you. No one will say it's over until I say it's over, and so I rode.

Tentatively at first but with increasing strength. I rode alone because I needed the time to think, to cry and breathe the air of life, but I was never really alone. With me were all my family and friends. They powered my soul and my legs, yes those very tired almost 50 year old legs. The hills and the challenge of Tremblant await. On Friday I will ride in a peloton focused not only on the ride or the task at hand, but with your ultimate defeat.

I don't know what the future holds, but neither do you. What I do know is that Lance was right, It's not about the bike. It's about the road we take and our experiences on the ride.

It may be bumpy but this boy is strapped in and ready to go.

On your mark, get set...see you at the finish line.

Sam

The Golden Rule

There's a book that I remember that said that everything we need to know in life we actually learn in kindergarten.

1. Don't Hit

2. Don't Lie

3. If your feeling cranky and irritable, remove yourself from everyone else till the mood passes

4. DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE OTHERS DO UNTO YOU...

Okay maybe that wasn't kindergarten, it may even be religious, but isn't it the truest thing around? The principle of empathy, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

In recent weeks I have had to balance the public good and my inner core beliefs, and happily its my core that won out. Some things are non negotiable.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, it was as if one of my legs had been knocked out from under me. Yes I was standing, but boy was I wobbly. I could have fallen over at any moment. That is the way it has been for close to 6 years, over and over again. Each time when things got tough my family, Fern and my friends were by my side. During the interminable interval between scans and results, when I am far from being my best, Fern and my friends have been at my side.

When I needed to fly to Sloan Kettering for consultation, Fern and my cousins Rose & Arthur were by my side. Without hesitation, without question, you have been at my side the whole way. You have always been the other leg to stand on.

Now as I enter the final week before the ride, I realize that somehow the focus has become about me and my achievement, and frankly I am not comfortable with this. Standing again on 1 leg alone, and way to wobbly. So let me reiterate in the clearest terms possible. My participation in this ride is thanks to you. You my supporters my donors, my friends, my family and particularly Fern are the sole reason I have found the courage to undertake this mission.

Together we have achieved the financial goal and from you I have found the inner drive to train and ride in some difficult moments.

I look forward to next week and having Fern at my side, where he has been for 17 years, 6 of them in this hellish cancer battle. Riding with Lance, but partying with Fern- the way I would have it done unto me.

THANK YOU EVERYONE...WE HAVE ACHIEVED OUR FINANCIAL GOAL, NEXT WEEK I PEDAL FOR ALL OF US - STURDY WITH BOTH LEGS.

The Survival Gene

I now know where I come from.

I wonder if it's because I never asked, never listened, or because my parents never talked about it. I really knew so little about my parents early lives. Although I knew that they were spared most of the atrocities of WWII, the reality of their lives had somehow escaped me.

Our trip to Israel allowed me the chance to watch, to listen and to learn...and now I understand.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, my father's reaction was far from predictable. Yes he was sad, yes he was frightened, but more than anything else he was angry. I know he was angry at the cancer, but he would yell at me on the phone. It actually got so bad that I had resolved not to speak to him anymore as I found it too painful. My father wanted me to fight, to survive, to commit every living moment towards this battle. He was terrified that I would be complacent, that I would allow someone else to control my destiny. My words fell upon deaf ears, nothing I could say would change his feelings. Now I know why.

They never had the luxury of complacency. They never had the luxury of trusting their lives to someone else. As I listened to my parents surrounded by their friends in Haifa, it dawned on me that apart the obvious we had something else in common, a story of survival.

They made and remade their lives 4 times; as children, young adults, newlyweds and finally with us as a young family. Each time the challenge was confronted with the certitude that they would succeed if they committed all their energy to the task at hand.

"Commit all your energy to the task a hand." That is what my father kept telling me on the phone. " Do whatever you can, do everything you can".

Over the last 5 1/2 years many people have commented on my attitude and the way I have confronted the cancer. I really didn't know any other way. Some people have asked me about the logic of undertaking this ride. I really don't know any other way.

I guess that it's true when they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Thanks Abba, Thanks Ima for giving me the survival gene.

2 Weeks left and I promise to commit all my energy to the task at hand.

10 * 10 *10 - A NEW PROJECT

A wise man said " If not me ...then who, If not now....then when?"

We control not only our destiny but the future of others. Today as 2000 walkers take to the streets of Montreal it seems appropriate to tell you about a project that I have been working on for a few months.

10 * 10 * 10 - The Cedars Cancer Challenge.

I am looking for a team of 30 brave individuals that are looking to challenge themselves both physically and emotionally. Join me on October 10, 2010 as we begin a week long adventure with a 2 day ascent of Mount Kenya. Yes, that's right, Mount Kenya...in Kenya.

This will be followed by a Mountain Bike Descent and then a walk/ride through the Kenyan landscape guided and encouraged by the cheers and songs of the Masai Warriors.

My trip to Africa in 2008 left me a changed person, this challenge will be a life changing moment in your life. We will challenge our physical selves, we will find the harmony in nature and learn about the peace and tranquility of the Masai people.

This is not an adventure without cost. It will require $$$, but more importantly it will require your commitment, your energy and your sweat to reach our financial goal of raising 500,000 as a team. It also involves a commitment to getting yourself fit and ready to challenge your body and your soul.

I have a plan, I have ideas, and now it is time to find the team. To find the 30 people who will work together for 1 year to attain our financial goal and the physical goal of reaching the summit of Mount Kenya and crossing the finish line with our Masai friends.

If not me then who??? I not now then when??? - Time is fleeting. for years I have believed in he simplicity of the Field of Dreams.." Build it and they will come". Together we built Ca Marche, we built Au Coeur de la Mode, we built Heroes Night.....now we build

" The Cedars Cancer Challenge". We will need a big team to realize this dream.

I look forward to giving you more details as the time comes...but let me know if you are interested .....LET THE CHALLENGE BEGIN.

The ride with Lance is in 3 weeks. As you can see I have already begun to look to the future.

Setting new challenges, new objectives. Thank you to all who have contributed to the Tour de Lance. I am still in training and will be pushing hard to make you proud...Thank You.

Unfinished Business

We are closing into the home stretch. Three weeks until the big day. Three weeks until we ride with Lance Armstrong, but more importantly three weeks until we raise the money we need for Cedars and the cause.

It nags on me to have unfinished business. My father always had this long list of things that he needed to do, things that were unfinished and I have always wondered how me managed not to be panicked by its neverending length. I like things to get done and then move on...new projects new ideas.

As you may remember a flat tire left me with my own unfinished business. So my first ride after the holidays needed to settle the score. I left the house headed out west along the Lachine Canal, out to St. Charles, up to Gouin and then along the beautiful area of Ste Genevieve, Senneville, Ste Anne De Bellevue, and then home along the river. 72kms with a break at km 48. It is a wonderful ride and then came home, got dressed and went to work. I was thrilled to have accomplished the ride, but truthfully I was happy to deal with the unfinished business.

Unfortunately, having cancer is a constant state of unfinished business.

I have always promised to tell the truth in my blog and we all know that sometimes the truth is painful. It is exactly 1 year since 4 letters changed my life. 1 year since I was diagnosed with the last cancerous tissue. While discussing the planned surgery the doctor was happy that the 1mm cancer growth was on the exterior edge of the remaining kidney and said " It's in a great place and we have to remove very little of the kidney which gives us room WHEN it comes back". He didn't say IF he said WHEN. It was not his fault, he was probably being completely honest and truthful, but those 4 letters W H E N have been very heavy on my heart for 1 year.

Emotionally it set me way back. It felt like the door to hope had been slammed in my face. I could no longer live under the lighter cloud of IF, I was now covered in the greyness of WHEN.

This last year has been about dealing with this unfinished business. This ride is about adding 4 more letters to that word and changing WHEN to WHENEVER.

Feeling the strength both emotionally and physically to weather another storm...whenever.

It has not been easy, but thankfully my involvement with Cedars has allowed me to look beyond today, tomorrow or even the next 3 weeks. Looking forward to the creation of a modern comprehensive cancer clinic for men, women and children...ready to help and support them ...WHENEVER.

We still have much to do, more money to raise. I really need your support.

Please make the donation at www.tourdelance.ca click on riders and then make your donation.

Now is the time to tell your friends, your company, your family about the ride...I need all the help I can get. Thank You.